So, it’s been… a while.
I wish I could say I was busy studying, or working or spending time saving the world, but honestly, it’s not really any of that. Truth is, I’ve been in a slump. A very, very long slump.
You see, when that countdown hit all the way back at midnight on the 31st of December 2018, I was ready to go from myself, to myself but 2.0. I was ready to take control; write more, work hard at Uni, lose the weight I had been wanting to for so long, get a long term job, see my friends more, exercise as often as I used to, clear my skin, drink more water and sort out my mental health problems.
But, surprise. It is now April 2019. I have clearly not been writing much, let’s not even talk about Uni, I have gained significant weight, still jobless, seeing friends less than ever, my only exercise being the walk to the fridge and back, my skin actually being pretty okay for someone who does nothing to it, drinking diet Pepsi instead of the water my organs would sob if they got and shocker, my mental health is at an all time low.
Seems like I keep waiting for my moment, that awesome moment of ‘Oh my god YES I can sort this out, I’m motivated’ to arrive. But the more I wait, the more I realise that actually, that doesn’t happen. You don’t suddenly wake up in the morning with a fairy tale life like you see on social media. I don’t live in a big house, my room isn’t filled with plants I can keep alive, I don’t go on holiday every year, I’m not the ‘right’ size to fit in with social media trends, I don’t have a twenty step killer Korean skincare regime. It’s just not life for me. Maybe one day I will have that nice house, with a good, well paid job I love with twenty dogs and a wine cellar; a life where I will wake up well rested, and feel excited to get up and see what the day has to offer. Yet, the past few months, my brain has felt like I need to have this right now. As a twenty year old University student. Yeah, right.
See, the sad thing is, I haven’t posted in months because I didn’t feel like I deserved to. Which is ridiculous because, I mean, who’s name is in the blog title?? But I thought with my mental health problems, weight gain and lack of interest in most things that I wasn’t worth anyone’s time online. That i wouldn’t succeed. The start of this blog post itself seems to map out all the things I thought have gone badly for me since the start of 2019.
Now I think about it though, its not all doom and gloom. To be fair, some pretty brilliant things have happened so far in the past few months I’ve been gone.
In October I got to see my favourite K-pop group, BTS, in London with my best friend, which was a brilliant day from start to finish and a day I will not be forgetting anytime soon. And this was shortly followed by being able to see my fantastically talented brother graduate from Italia Conti drama school a few weeks later, and later listen to him in countless Radio dramas for the last few months. I am endlessly proud of his achievements.
A little while later, something pretty special happened. I came out as Bisexual. After years of kind of just ignoring my sexuality, it kind of just hit me like a bus, and the rest is history. I didn’t realise I had a weight on my chest (not a big boob joke, I promise!) until I fully accepted that part of me. I cannot wait for London Pride this year, that’s for sure 🙂
In minor achievements, I dyed my hair a variety of colours, and through some divine miracle, managed to bleach my dark brown hair into blonde without killing it all off. Which, if that isn’t a little victory I don’t know what is. And yes, as in my first blog post I mentioned the importance of my hair, it is currently a dusty pink. We’ll see how long that lasts.
I also started to get back into my art. Since my anxiety started to get pretty bad around Christmas time, I found myself awake into the early hours of the morning. Since sitting there, doing nothing other than panicking myself into a mess, I started to draw and paint for the first time since I was 16. Safe to say, I’m no Van Gogh and my drawings are just often a bunch of doodles and Kermit the Frog renditions, but it’s nice to have something back in my life that doesn’t have any other pressures- I can just do it for me.
And finally, in recent news, very soon there will be a little furry friend back into my life. The new edition to the family, the very fluffy and cuddly Ralph. It’s a few weeks until we can take him home. But boy, am I excited. Seems like I will be looking after him over summer, but maybe it will be a good thing to have to look after someone else for a change.
So there, when I look at it, it’s not all that bad. Sure, there is a hell of a lot I want, I need to sort out, but I just need to keep at it. And I can’t abandon the things I love to do in the meantime.
So I, I am back. Let’s get this show on the road.